Wednesday, March 01, 2006

No French class for me last night.

I had a major melt-down. I've been so down, really in the dumps. I hated everything in my life, I wanted to feel some passion for something, I just felt dead. I called my best friend Susan, who lives in Hawaii and we started talking, I asked about her back, she hurt it clearing bamboo on her property, but she's doing better now. She asked me how I've been and I just started BAWLING! I couldn't even speak. Finally, I gained a little control, enough to gasp out "I'm sorry." to her. I told her everything that has happened and we talked for quite awhile. She said that it didn't surprise her that I was feeling so bad, that I've been under all kinds of stress for so long, starting with my dad's illness in 1997. Every year has had some major stress related something happen. Illness, death, divorce, financial problems. It's been a never ending roller coaster. I got so used to being under stress that it finally just wore me down. It's no wonder I feel like I have nothing, everyday a major portion of my brain has been going "What am I gonna do now? How am I gonna fix this?" until it left me unable to focus my attention on anything but problems, except for short fixes. Now the stressful things are slowly coming to an end. Slowly. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and no longer feel like it's a freight train speeding towards me. I am so grateful to Susan for listening and talking me through this. I am starting to feel like I might be able to have a life after all, instead of crisis after crisis.