Progress

Sometimes, it feels as though I will never be done with my apartment renovations and that I am not accomplishing anything. Time to list everything I’ve done so far, in a somewhat linear manner:
I started by shredding old documents and taking electronic waste and hazardous materials (household cleaning chemicals and old paint, trying to go green here) to recycling.
I gave an armoire to a friend and donated my entertainment center to Out of the Closet. I also donated books to a thrift store and a bunch of miscellaneous items to a charity yard sale for doggie rescue.
The place has been painted and the new carpet laid down, so now, the furniture is back in place.
I have put all the books back in my two bookcases and put away most of my clothing.
I have put all the furniture and plants back on my balcony. I’ve actually done quite a bit when I read this. It helps to clear my headspace to organize my thoughts on what I want to do next.

Feeling sorry for myself

Recently, I became aware of how I feel sorry for myself. For example, I have a skin condition that comes and goes. There are topical treatments for it that help, but I can’t use it a lot because of side effects. And I’ve noticed that the better I eat, the better my skin feels and looks. But during a recent flare-up, I was having a “Why meeee?” moment, when I realized that I was having a self-pity party.
So I decided to just go with it and allow myself to indulge in how unfair it was. I gave myself a time limit, in this case, five minutes. I sat down and just went with the mood. After about, oh maybe 30 seconds, I started laughing. And got over myself.
Next time I start to go on about the unfairness of it all, I’m going to give myself a time limit to indulge. I’ll bet the same thing happens again. Self-pity really only works if you resist it. If you allow, it goes away really, really fast.

Giving myself credit where credit is due.

You ever get down on yourself for not doing the stuff on your to-do list? Or for not working out, or for eating junk food, or for any one of the eight zillion you “should” be doing? Me too. So I decided to fight back against those voices in my head that tell me I’m lazy, I’m wasting my life, I’m this, I’m that. First of all, when I start to trash myself, I will stop it immediately. All those nasty little voices do not pay any rent, so they are getting booted. (And no, I don’t ‘hear’ voices. This is all the negative crap that we all learn over the years from various sources. I’m not crazy. And I’m not playing their game anymore).So I decided that I will start noticing all the things that I get done, that I accomplish. Could be finishing all the things on my to-do list for that day. Could be taking the day for myself and doing whatever the hell I want that day, with no feeling of wasting the day.On Sunday, I did six loads of laundry, went through several boxes and selected stuff to donate to a charity yard-sale, vacuumed, gave Miss May her sub-q fluids, prepped my breakfast and lunch to take to work with me the next day.Last night, I finished my laundry and worked on my budget for the next several months. I have several trips coming up and some new furniture to buy. I want to do all of these things without going into debt, hence the budget.I will continue to post these updates. If you have finished a chore, or sat and read or watched something that you enjoyed or even did nothing at all, give yourself a pat on the back. Those nasty little voices hate that and will soon fade off into the distance.

2010

It's a beautiful day. I would like to have many beautiful days this year. I know this is possible because I had many beautiful days last year.

I was able to travel a bit and see friends and family.

I was able to realize that spending time with my family in the here and now is not the fractious irritation it was when I was a child.

I learned that living life as it is now is much better than living life through what happened in the past.

I learned that anticipating things to turn out negatively is a waste of time, because most of the time, they turn out right. And when they don't, it isn't the end of the world.

I learned that drama is boring, but passion isn't. Passion makes life interesting and exciting. Drama leaves me agitated and stuck. Passion moves me forward.

I learned that getting things to happen immediately is fun but fulfillment of a goal that I've worked a long time getting to is rewarding on levels that I haven't even become aware of yet.

I learned there's many people out there in the ether writing the most amazing stuff and posting it on their blogs where I can read it for free. I have read many things that helped me get from January 1, 2009 to January 1, 2010, in a far better mind-set than I've ever had. Things made me stop and think; things that I read that clarified what I was working on at that moment in time. It's all a step forward on the path.

I learned that sitting around on my ass may be fun (what is 'fun', anyway?) but getting up and moving around makes me feel better.

I learned that helping someone else is one of the best things I can do for myself, whether it's lending an ear to someone's problems or giving money to a worthy cause. My worthy causes this year were www.donorschoose.org and www.kiva.org. Both are places where the money I donate goes directly to the recipient, not to some anonymous organization.

I have learned a great deal of patience this year. My mother had a diagnosis of moderate dementia, she has terrible short-term memory issues. Visiting her as I do every three months or so (she lives 500 miles away) is a crash course on patience, as she asks the same question over and over again every few minutes. She can't remember what I said and this is not her fault. Patience is not my strongest attribute and by the third day of our visit, I'm always starting to crack. But I'm learning.

I learned that I have some really great friends and some really great family, some I see almost every day and some I only get to talk to on the phone or via email. But they are all great people and I am fortunate to have them in my life. My life would be much emptier without them.

I think my biggest lesson this year is that nothing about my life is all that complicated, unless I make it that way. Do I want to eat better? Yes and it just as easy to eat food that is actually tasty (and may have the added attraction of being good for me) as it is to eat junk food. Do I want to exercise more? Yes, and all I have to do is stand and walk. Couldn't be simpler. Do I want to be actively involved in my own life? Yes, I do and all I have to do is disconnect from the electronic distractions. Turning off the TV, if there isn't something specific I want to see; turning off the computer instead of spending hours on the internet looking for something interesting and not doing something interesting.

Life isn't complicated, I make it that way. In 2009, I started to realize that gradually throughout the year. In 2010, I hope that I am able to remember the lessons I learned and continue to add to them. I would like to have many beautiful days this year.

Better U, better me

It seems every blog I read these days, people are trying to get healthier. Mir, over at http://wouldashoulda.com/, recently posted about going gluten-free. After I read her post, I realized I had the same symptoms: bad skin, problems with my gut, fatigue, etc. I looked into going gluten-free, which I've known for awhile was something I needed to do because I did it once before several years ago and felt much, much better. Guess what! It's way easier now to be gluten-free than it was the last time I did it. The first thing I did when I thought about giving this a try was to check http://traderjoes.com/. I know they have gluten-free products and that they would be cheaper than Whole Foods. Imagine my surprise when I found their gluten-free product list is SEVEN FREAKIN' PAGES! I knew right then and there that I could this no problem. Betty Crocker is coming out with gluten-free bake mixes, Starbucks now has a gluten-free orange muffin. This is excellent. My favorite site so far is http://bobsredmill.com/. I like to bake and they have so many products to bake with, I'm a happy camper right now.

I went gluten-free last Wednesday and it has been a blazing success. I haven't have indigestion once, my fatigue is gone, my skin is clearing up and feels fantastic. I'm never hungry because there's so much I can eat and I'm eating more variety because I'm not eating a turkey sandwich or a burrito (flour tortilla) or pizza. I'll still be able to have those things, but it will be my home-made gluten free bread and pizza dough and a corn tortilla for the burrito.

Visitor

I live in a fourth floor apartment that has a balcony. Just beyond the balcony are the top branches of a tree. Through the floor to ceiling windows, I often see birds of all sorts; squirrels and the occasional opossum. The other night, I looked out and saw this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_tailed_hawk

He was gorgeous. His head was turning and turning as he scoped out his situation. Then he looked directly at me sitting on the couch in my living room. I could see the predator thinking "If I were just a bit bigger and you were just a bit smaller, I'd have you for my dinner."

I've never been that close to a wild animal that wasn't in a zoo. He was staring at me from about six - eight feet away and we were on the same eye level, given that I was sitting. I've heard that birds are the direct descendants of dinosaurs and I believe it. It was like being stared down by a mini, feathered T. Rex.

Laundry services

One of the things I did for myself, back in the day when I had money, was to buy an apartment size washer and dryer. My apartment building actually has two on-site laundry rooms, that are kept clean and the machines usually work. But I got tired of carrying laundry up and down from the 4th floor. Invariably the elevator was on the 4th floor when I was on the ground floor and vice versa. Not to mention the ever increasing cost of doing laundry every week. So I spent some time googling "portable" machines and found some options. Finally, I went to Sears and found two small, wheeled machines. The washer hose hooks up to the kitchen sink and the dryer has a portable system that vents into a container of water. Instant humidifier. And when I'm done, I unplug everything and wheeled them right into my hall closet. Very convenient. Now if I could only get myself to do laundry every week instead of waiting until everything needs to be washed. This is a long way of saying I spent yesterday doing my laundry. I need to get out more.

September 11

I didn't watch anything on TV today that had to do with September 11. I chose to remember what happened without reliving it. Living in California as I do, it was very early in the morning when a friend called and woke me to tell me what had happened. I immediately went to the living room and sat on the floor and turn on the TV. Whatever channel I had it on was broadcasting the people jumping from the buildings. I was so stunned, I just sat there in horror. I think whoever was monitoring the broadcast realize what they were showing because it switched to something else after about 10 seconds and I didn't see those images again for the rest of the day.

Today, I did what I do every September 11. I go to tomatonation.com and read Sars essay. Sars was at the World Trade Center that day and every year she writes about it. It always makes me cry. Happy Birthday, Don.

What I did on my summer vacation

I keep forgetting about this blog, I think mostly because I can't post from home right now. My laptop (never buy a Compaq, they're crap) is rapidly dying and I only use it when I absolutely need to. The problem is the video card is failing and I have all these vertical lines obscuring the screen. I checked into getting it (the video card) replaced and it would have cost $400.00. I only paid $750.00 for the laptop to begin with. So I'm saving up for a new computer to be bought as soon as I get back from Montreal in early November.

So, what did I do this summer? Well, I went to Santa Barbara for the weekend twice, once in early June and once again in early August for my birthday. I took the train and if ever you wanted to know the effect of rising gas prices, just get on a train. The trains were never full, sometimes very close to empty, but now? On both trips, both going north and heading south, almost every seat was taken. And when I talked to people about it, they all said the same thing, that it was cheaper to take the train than to drive.

I love Santa Barbara, it's such a pretty town. I couldn't live there because it's a little too sedate for me, I prefer living in the city. But one of my oldest friends lives there and we always have a great time together. Her home was built in the early 1900s and sits up on a hill overlooking Santa Barbara bay. It's a very peaceful and serene setting and I feel wonderfully refreshed after spending the weekend there.

In mid-August, I flew to Sonoma County to attend my brother's wedding in Cloverdale. My mother, brother and his kids and grandkids all live there or close by. We had a great time, mom and I went out to lunch every day and then in the evenings, there were parties. Friday evening was the dress rehearsal dinner in the backyard of this really great pink Victorian house; on Saturday, we had a pizza and beer blast for the out-of-town guests at the local pizzeria and Sunday was the wedding and reception. The wedding reception was everything a party should be, no-one got falling down, sloppy drunk, there were no arguments or fights, no drama, everybody was just happy and relaxed. They had a great dj and everybody was dancing, including the Electric Slide. Hilarious!

There's not much going on in my daily life, I really gotta change that. After several years of turmoil, I decided that I'd had it with drama. You know, "drama". The sturm and drang where everything is stressful to the nth degree, life is just difficult. Once I finally got through the crap, I decided there would be no more drama. But I forgot to replace with something else. Like passion. So day to day has been pretty boring. I'm working on that. One of the things I'm doing is going through all my paperwork and either recycling or shredding and then recycling anything I don't need to keep. Some things I gotta have for tax purpose for another couple of years, some of it is geneological research my dad did, plus some other stuff, but if I can toss it, it's gone. I'm a firm believer in clearing out old energy to make way for new. After that project is done, then I'll clear some clothes from my closet and donate what is still fit to be worn, you know, no stains, rips, broken zippers, missing buttons, moth holes, etc. And then there are those clothes that really just need to be tossed. You know what I mean. Once I have room to store things properly, then I'll start on painting my apartment. I get very little light in my place after the early morning and the dark walls in the dining room and hall are just not cutting it anymore. Time to lighten things up a bit.

The other thing I started was working out. I started using the 10 Minute Trainer back in late June. I bought it because I had been so sedentary and I figured I could do 10 minutes to start with. I was very pleased with the results. I've lost 10 pounds and kept it off, even though I had to take a break to let an injury heal. In early June, just before my trip to Santa Barbara, I fell down some steps and landed ON MY KNEE. I thought I had broken something and I sat there for quite a while before I attempted to move. Imagine my surprise when I found that it didn't hurt to walk. It was very bruised, very swollen and painful, particularly going up and down steps. Ice, ibuprofen, elevating and knee brace all helped but it just took time. Through it all, I kept trying to work out. I would do the trainer for 2 or 3 days and then have to stop for 2 or 3 days. Finally, I just had to give it a rest. And that was the best thing I could have done. My knee is almost completely healed (about 97%, I'd say) and I'm ready to start moving again.

All this may not sound exciting from the outside, but it all makes me feel lighter, like more things are possible. Life is not just about sitting on the couch watching TV.

Oh. Drama.

I decided to check my blog to see if it was still here. I couldn't remember the last time I came here and once again, I had to create a new password. Between working two jobs (three jobs in November and December) having mom here for Christmas, having the flu three times since November (once every two months like clockwork), a bunch of other stuff and general lazyness (laziness?), I haven't done a lot of writing.

One thing I have discovered since the last time I was here is how utterly bored I am with my life. I came to the conclusion that I was tired of having 'drama' in my life. You know, 'drama'. Everything's a mess, what am I going to do, blah, blah, blah. There was quite a bit of turmoil in my life for about eight or nine years, and I hated it. The last bit of it was resolved over a year ago, but I think it took me several months to realize it. Once the fog cleared from my brain, I discovered how much I hated all the drama that went along with the problems. That's when I decided that, to the best of my ability, I was done with the drama. Things will happen and they will resolve themselves, or be resolved, in time, long or short, but I can't drive myself crazy with it, or allow anyone else to drive me crazy with it. Once I started thinking this way and reinforcing it with my actions on a day to day basis, it amazed me that it actually was working.

Then I discovered that the drama was a great distraction from what was going on in my life. Which was not a whole lot. My life was very dull. I get up, I go to work, I go to my 2nd job, I come home, I watch TV, I go to bed. BORING!! It took a couple of months of living like this and being conscious of it before I started making some changes. My next post will be about the changes I've made and am making.

Back again

I keep thinking of things I'd like to post about, usually when I'm driving. By the time I get home, whatever it was has been replaced by all the things I have to do. Life keeps getting in the way while I'm trying to have a life. Like now. I can't really focus on some subjects that I want to talk about because I have to go bleach my entire house. Kidding, but it really is due for a major cleaning and I'm really in the mood to do it. I always resist housecleaning so much (really, wouldn't you rather lay on a chaise and read a book? Or go to the beach? It's a beautiful day) that it starts to be this overwhelming task, like Hercules and the stables. My house isn't anywhere near as bad as those stables, but it certainly feels like it the more I think about cleaning, the less cleaning I actually get done. So while I'm in the mood, I should get moving, don't you think?

Waiting

My mother has been having problems with her memory over the last couple of years, it's been very gradual. In the beginning, it was so slight, it was hardly noticable but last July, when she was visiting, she would ask me several times what we were doing that day or who we were having lunch with. If I repeated it enough, it would stick. I was very concerned but she absolutely refused to go to the doctor. I cannot remember the last time she went to the doctor.

My brother called me last Thursday. Mom had called him very upset and told him something had gone wrong in her head. A friend of hers finally convinced her she needed to see a doctor, so it's been a round of doctor visits over the past few days. My brother thinks she had a stroke of some kind because the type of memory problem changed drastically over night. She now cannot remember something you just told her at all. I looked at the Alzheimer's site and based on what he told me, it sounds as though she may have vascular dementia. Of course, I am not a doctor, even the doctors need to see her a couple of more times and we won't have any kind of results until next week. And I am just basing that on the few things my brother said.

Something's wrong. And we're waiting to find out just what that is.

Well!

That was refreshing. It's been a long seven months. I've been to Canada and Hawaii. My mother came for a visit. I'm currently working two jobs and will have a third job (weekends only) for the Christmas season. That starts Nov. 18th. I'll be working Monday - Friday at my full time job, Tuesday and Thursday evenings (at least) at my part-time job and Saturday and Sundays (10 - 12 hour days) every weekend from Nov. 18 thru Dec. 17. No wonder I'm tired. But so far in the past two months, both the transmission and power steering on my van had to be replaced. And I'm in dire need of new tires.

I had to drop my French class, even though I enjoyed it very much. I missed too much class and got too far behind. I'm taking no credit for this semester so that I can take it again next semester. But I've actually learned more than I thought I had and spoke French a little while I was in Montreal. That was an interesting trip. More on that in another entry.

That's all for now but now that I've found this again, maybe I can keep it up.

No French class for me last night.

I had a major melt-down. I've been so down, really in the dumps. I hated everything in my life, I wanted to feel some passion for something, I just felt dead. I called my best friend Susan, who lives in Hawaii and we started talking, I asked about her back, she hurt it clearing bamboo on her property, but she's doing better now. She asked me how I've been and I just started BAWLING! I couldn't even speak. Finally, I gained a little control, enough to gasp out "I'm sorry." to her. I told her everything that has happened and we talked for quite awhile. She said that it didn't surprise her that I was feeling so bad, that I've been under all kinds of stress for so long, starting with my dad's illness in 1997. Every year has had some major stress related something happen. Illness, death, divorce, financial problems. It's been a never ending roller coaster. I got so used to being under stress that it finally just wore me down. It's no wonder I feel like I have nothing, everyday a major portion of my brain has been going "What am I gonna do now? How am I gonna fix this?" until it left me unable to focus my attention on anything but problems, except for short fixes. Now the stressful things are slowly coming to an end. Slowly. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and no longer feel like it's a freight train speeding towards me. I am so grateful to Susan for listening and talking me through this. I am starting to feel like I might be able to have a life after all, instead of crisis after crisis.

I love to travel

I'm sitting here at work, watching Samantha Brown on the Travel Channel. That girl has the best job ever! I have an ever-expanding list of places I want to go to. Not just to Europe or Asia or Africa for a couple of weeks on vacation. I'm all for leaving on a Wednesday morning, flying to someplace, Santa Fe; Montreal, New York, Mexico City and having a long weekend, then flying back Sunday afternoon. It's amazing how much you can do in about four days. It's no wonder I have no money. I've been to France, Monaco, London (for 2 days), Montreal, Quebec City, Las Vegas, all over California, New York, New Orleans, Phoenix, Sedona, the Grand Canyon, Oahu and Maui, Kansas. When I was a kid, my brother and I would go on vacation with our folks. We traveled all over the western half of the U. S. Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Idaho, Wyoming, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Colorado. Mile after mile, we saw so much country. We didn't have portable toys other than coloring books to keep us distracted, so I spent hours looking out the window, watching the landscape and letting my mind wander. I saw patches of snow under the trees driving thru the hills in Idaho. In June! I was amazed that snow was still on the ground. There were endless open plains in Wyoming, no fences. There were literally swarms of tarantulas running across the road in the desert in Arizona and New Mexico. Sometimes we would be the only car for miles and the spiders would stop and rear at the car in self defense. There would be so many that my dad couldn't help but hit some. Spiders have always wigged me out so this was nightmarish for me. Especially since we had a convertible at the time and when the roof was up, I could look down into the well and see the road go by. I had a great fear that the spiders would come up thru that space.

Clean!!!

Bobby aka Dr. Christmas called this morning and we had breakfast at Champagne. One of my three jobs is working for him during the Christmas season, decorating houses, hotels, restaurants, etc. Here's his website: http://www.drchristmas.com/ It's been a lot of work but also alot of fun. He has a very talented crew this year, a great bunch of folks. So far this year, Bob and the crew have decorated the Beverly Hilton Hotel lobby and ballrooms; the Miramar Hotel in Santa Monica; Mickey's in West Hollywood; several celebrity homes (I don't know if I should mention their names, I'll check with Bob) and a few other places.

Bob's is actually my second job, my first being a full time management position at an entertainment company. The third job I have is working with a friend who just started a rights and distribution company. Her partner bailed on her and she needs some help. And I need the $$. Did I mention I'm also in school?

Today, being an increasingly rare day off for me, I'm going to clean my house and get it ready for my mom's visit at Christmas. For years, we did Christmas at my folks, then dad died. Mom had moved to be closer to my brother so he could help with dad, but daddy went into the hospital the weekend they moved and died there four weeks later. He never saw the new house. So for the last few years, I have been making the 8 - 9 hour drive from LA to Sonoma County to spend a few days with mom, my brother and his family. Life moved on as life does, the kids grew up, my brother and his wife ended up divorced after 27 years and things just change. So mom's coming here and for the first time since I moved to LA, I'm having a Christmas tree and decorating my house. Hence the cleaning. I better get started, I have a lot to do.

My first blog entry

This is my first entry. I hope I will keep this up on a regular basis. First, the name of this blog. I wanted to call it How Did I Wind Up Here? but blogger said it wasn't available. So I decided to go with the nickname that friends used to call me. And maybe I can find my way, not back, but forward to that place again. Things are a mess.